I've moved on.

www.xanga.com/Failing_in_the_Attempt

Bye, ErnieMo. We had some good times..

I'm unimpressed with this month thus far.

I want something exciting to happen and I'm starting to think that won't happen. What a shame.. change seems beautiful right about now.

68. What is your definition of love?: Love is a hoax. An adult form of Santa Claus if you will. It's a fairytale we've been fed since the dawn of time because someone's heart didn't seem to fill on its own. That's love.. or complete lack of it.

Oh how senial and cynical I am.. I love it.

Okay, Erin is ready to meet someone new.

I decided to reflect on the beautiful year of 2005.. granted it's a tad premature being that the year isn't over for another 31 days... but hey, I have an urge. I'm rolling with it. Brace yourselves.. memories out the ass are heading your way. And I'm sorry, my memory is vague but I'll do my best.

January.. The first minutes of the New Year were spent with the lovely Miss Nealey Bell and what an eventful night it was. We still joke about that evening although we wanted to shoot ourselves half the night..
February.. Our freshmen Sweetheart quickly approached as we all worried about who we'd ask. The group dwindled from a scary 30-something at Homecoming to a nice 16. The infamous Dodgeball tournament where my team could've kicked ass if it wasn't for the damn deflection rule! I do believe that was the only time I ever had the courage to yell at Peter Boos.. And of course, the beautiful Trista Lamb turned 15.
March.. My god. Spring Break spent with the best girls EVER. Nealey and Trista, whoa.. we were such rebels. "Not to scare you, but which one is the break?" "GET OUT, I'M DRIVING!" Dying my hair pink.. sleepovers every single night.. Nealey corrupting me for the first time.. great week, ladies. And of course, I met Beau.
April.. Went back to school to start the last quarter of our freshman year. And yeah.. Erin can't remember what else happened.
May.. Woohoo! Erin turned 15! What a celebration that was. "It was like a fucking tornado in there!" Sadly, a week later Beau passed away. I don't think I have ever fully recovered.
June.. We survived our first year of high school. I met the most beautiful people ever and had to miss out on some great pool time because of the devilish child I had to babysit. But of course, Warped Tour. Whoa.. what a fantastic and blazing hot day. Met tons of bands with cute boys, passed out, crowd surfed like crazy, and sang my heart out. I look forward to this every year.
July.. We missed the god-damn fireworks! Nealey and I are still uspet about that.. But of course we got over it when we went to see Weezer, Cake, and Story of the Year the next day. And then Andy, Claire and I went to StuGo camp. Enough said.
August.. 311!! Ahh.. amazing concert. It poured down rain and we loved every minute of it. Poor Emmy.. she got separated from us at the very beginning. And then it was back to school.. ick.
September.. Homecoming occured. Didn't even want to go but it turned out to be the best night so far. Nealey turned the big 1-6 and we had a lovely (and very late) breakfast at Steak and Shake.. Battle of the Bands in Lawrence.. got to see/meet some great kids.. boy, I love Lawrence.
October.. Haha, I loved the month of October. Nealey, Trista, and I started the amazing race.. needless to say, none of us won.. yet. It was questionable for a bit, but that went down hill. Aiden, Bayside, Silverstein, and Hawthorne Heights show in Lawrence.. what a glorious night. The bruises from that one lasted until Fall Out Boy. And of course, HALLOWEEN! The lovely Taylor, Nealey, Trista and I dressed up as burritos and then danced in the parking lot at Cottonwood Point.. because that's how we roll.
November.. Panic! at the Disco, Motion City Soundtrack, Boys Night Out, The Starting Line and Fall Out Boy.. and Erin passing out again as Andy freaked out and while Jill and Taylor had no idea what was going on, haha. Then there was that night my mom actually let me spend the night out.. how glorious! Honestly, still stands as the best night ever. And then of course.. the infamous night with all the construction cones. "There are warrants out for your arrest.." Haha, yeah right. The car war.. oh the car war!
December.. it hasn't begun yet, has it?

Wow.. eventful evening.
Stilwell, Spice Girls, doughnut holes, Nancy Drew instincts, Zipz, some of the most amazing girls I know, $24 in random condiments and odd smelling foods, getting pulled over by some mean Po-Po's, getting floured.. Yeah, I'd say it was a good way to end the break.

Edit..

"So yeah, there's a warrant out for our arrests.."
"Well, that's interesting."

Haha, I love my friends. They make life fun.

These past few weekends have been a blur.. and I think I love it. I love the fact we're just having fun. I love the fact we've left meaningless drama behind us.. I love the fact I have people who care about me. I love my friends. I honestly do. I'm not going to sit here and type out your names because what does that prove? You guys know who you are.. you make the lame nights fun.. you guys pretty much rock my world.

Even with how hectic life is getting, I am still seemingly happy.
It's weird, I feel like something or someone is missing from my life.. something or someone I never knew.. yet I'm so content.

Edit 2..

I find it funny my parents think they know what's best for me.
I love it how the disregard everything I want and push their ideas of what I need onto my life.
I'm sick of being their "great white hope."
For once, I want to do what I want. I want to stop worrying about my grade in chemistry and take more photo classes. I want to tell my dad there is no chance of me going to law school. I want to wear my hair how I want without my parents saying "judges won't vote for you." And what do I really want?
I want my parents to understand that I can't make up for everything my sisters didn't. I'm only human.. I can't be everything. I've tried for too long and tonight I realized I can't keep pretending like I'm some prodigy.
I can't keep playing the role of "good deed daughter" with exceptional grades and perfect social skills. It's not me.
I cheat. I lie. I do bad things. I have a C in chemistry. Sometimes I want to tell people to shut the fuck up. That's me.

Sorry, parents.

We've come to a place in our lives where big men and small character rule our society. Profits extend from the heavens to hell and yet our relationships are more shallow than a light rain's puddle. Incomes are cut in half, yet divorces are doubled.
We live on no sleep, too much alcohol, fast cars, and slow minds. These are the days we forget about love and kinship, and instead settle for cheap one-night stands with a man we'll never see again. It's the age of pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

We've grown to have bigger egos and smaller tempers..
Wider highways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more and have less.
We sell ourselves short just to extort someone else for more.
We've allowed for more judgment and less knowledge..
Multipled our possessions and reduced our values.

And through all of this.. we've somehow accomplished to make a living.. not a life.